The Highlander

Issue date: 2/5/08 Section: Perspectives

So then, who am I going to vote for? I will vote for a woman. That's right; I am taking this opportunity to announce my candidacy for president. Unlike Romney, I will run my smear campaigns to the other candidates' faces. I will egg their limos, TP their mansions, and set fire to stuff in their dumpsters, and I will do all this in broad daylight…naked. Unlike McCain, if I hate somebody, I'm going to hate him until the day I die. Unlike Obama, I will give my grandiose pomposity some flair by unabashedly and unashamedly comparing myself to no fewer than sixteen (16) major figures from world history. Unlike Hillary, if I want to pick a fight with Obama, I'll just punch him in the face. Check that out, America. And you know what? I won't do stuff for the oil companies. I take the bus, yo. Iraq, Schmiraq. We can just send the cops over there to harass someone else for a change. It could be a whole new edition of the show Cops, which will also help us get through the writers' strike. You should totally vote for me. I'm Jen Janes, and I approved this message. Me llamo Jen Janes, y apruebo este mensaje.

*Paid for by Jen Janes with a handful of greasy cash.

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