How ought we to live?
By learning and leading by example...Discovering how I ought to live
Maricor Coquia, Associate Editor
A life of leadership alone isn't part of the Regis Mission. We are always encouraged be of service to others, so in that way, we learn to appreciate each other and teach others to live in solidarity in our world of differences.
I hate to admit it, but: I was a pretty naive freshman. I came to Denver thinking I was a "big shot," ready for this whole college thing. I thought I was "cool" because I was from Hawaii. And most naive of all, I believed I was confident and determined enough of a student to do well just because I had excelled in high school.
Little did I know, my freshman year would be hell. Since then, however, I'm happy to say that I've grown a lot. One year later, I know that I'm not so naive. My first year of college wasn't the greatest experience of my life, but without that year, I don't think I would have learned some of the most powerful lessons of my life, especially in regards to the question, "how ought I to live?"
Just pretending
As for most students, freshman orientation was a terrifying experience. In particular, I had never been part of a class so large. (I graduated from a high-school class of only 57 students in comparison to 400). In addition, I had never known what it felt like to be the minority ethnicity. During the service project assigned to my seminar class, I remember being more concerned with impressing my fellow students than understanding the very meaning of "how ought I to live?"
Dr. Mary Beth Callie, assistant professor of communication, was our faculty leader. She emphasized that we as students think about our place in the world and the Jesuit way of life-participating in our education, questioning our values, and strengthening our opinions. She also emphasized that we as honors students set the example among our peers of leadership and community service.
All throughout high school, I heard these words and I pretended to live these words. I was a Eucharistic Minister, a retreat leader, as well as the president of the Leo Club. When I heard Dr. Callie speaking of these things, I didn't ignore her, but I didn't really listen. It's sad how I can't even remember what site we visited.
Every day since then, the question of "how ought I to live?" became another one of "those things" that I felt I already knew. I would blabber on and on about how I was planning to volunteer for this and participate in that-but I never did. I was so caught up with keeping my grades up, with being an active member of the Highlander, and pretending that I could handle it all, that I failed to see the big picture. I thought I was a living contradiction, sinking deeper into feelings of guilt and worthlessness.
Walking on a tight rope
Deep down, I knew that I was heading for a slump. My grades and confidence began to decline so quickly, that, only a few weeks into the Fall semester, I found myself crying in front of my academic adviser after asking me, "How's your year going so far?" There were days that I couldn't concentrate in Biology because I'd feel more compelled to breakdown in the bathroom. At the time, I felt I had made the biggest mistake of my life coming to Denver, all because I felt I wasn't being true to myself.
The Regis Mission only intensified my feelings of depression, as I was constantly reminded to live a balanced, healthy, and productive lifestyle when I was leading the opposite. I was getting average grades, destroying friendships, and shutting myself from society. I was easily jealous of my peers who were succeeding in everything they did, of any of them who easily made friends, of any of them who could make time to volunteer for the neighboring community. I felt lost and out of place in the Regis community.
Realizing the true spirit of the mission
At the end of the year, I was nearly decided I wasn't going to come back to Regis. I could barely get myself out of bed. I couldn't concentrate in class, let alone, get myself to leave my room. The situation had gotten so critical that my health had deteriorated immensely and that all of my professors were notified of my condition. Everything was in a spin and I felt like I had failed everyone who believed in me. I felt that I had wasted my parents' money and time.
After going home to Hawaii, however, I realized more than I could have ever learned about the Jesuit way of life had I not attended Regis in the first place. During my crisis, each of my professors had displayed such a deep concern for my well-being, more than I had felt from anyone throughout my schooling. I was so surprised that my teachers would bother to worry about me, despite all the other things they had to worry about, such as finals and grading. Looking back at my freshman year, if there was a time when I really understood the value of the Jesuit way of life, it would have to be through the actions of my professors who comforted me through my depression.
After going through "hell," I see with great clarity the very meaning of living the Regis Mission, not because of the constant reminders I received from teachers over the year, but because of their very actions of seeking to help me, an average student during a time of crisis.
One of my most memorable experiences was during the last few weeks of the year. One of my professors before class walked up to me and told me, "Maricor, I want you to know that everything is okay-I am not worried about your grades, I just want you to get better." He said these words with such compassion that my eyes began to swell. Never had I experienced a teacher's concern as I did from him. I didn't realize it then, but with a bit of reflection, I've become extremely grateful for having met and being taught by this professor, academically and spiritually. He showed me the way I ought to live
In addition, I've realized that I wasn't such a failure to the Regis Mission. Being so actively involved in the Highlander last year gave me the opportunity to be part of the growing relationships within our Regis community.
For any student who may have undergone or are undergoing a similar experience, I hope you too receive the gift and power of the Jesuit way of life. I now understand how I really ought to live-a life of self-belief, of self-love and love for others, and one of service. I'm glad that I'm back to experience another year at Regis, now with a new mindset of living life truly immersed in discovering and establishing my place in this community, and one where I am more than happy to serve you, my neighbor.